Big Feelings, Growing Skills: Helping Children Navigate Peer Challenges from Early Childhood to Upper Elementary

The key to building resilience is allowing children to be their own problem-solvers—and stepping back from the natural, parental urge to fix every problem. Below is an age-level breakdown of typical social dramas and a few examples of how parents might offer support. Peer conflict is a natural part of child development, and each age and stage brings new situations to navigate. Read on for some emotionally supportive strategies that build resilience without “over-rescuing.” The more we give children space to struggle, the faster they can build the skills they need to navigate school and life.

The Evolution of Social Drama

1. Preschool (Ages 3–5): The "Learning to Share Space" Phase

At this age, drama is physical and immediate. Social challenges are often about sharing, turn-taking, and big emotions.  Children are egocentric; “best friends” change daily. It’s less about "mean girls/boys" and more about underdeveloped impulse control.

• The Drama: Fighting over a toy, "You’re not my friend today," or accidental pushing.
• The Root: Children are still moving from parallel play (playing near each other) to interactive play (playing with each other).
• Support Strategy: Label the emotion. Say, "It’s hard when Sarah wants the block you’re using." Don’t force an apology; instead, focus on "making it right" (e.g., helping the other child feel better).

2. Early Elementary (K–Grade 3): The "Belonging" Phase

This is when "social cliques" begin in their most primitive form. Friendships become more consistent but still fragile. Children may struggle with exclusion, rule-following, and fairness. Social awareness increases; comparisons and hurt feelings become more personal. Group dynamics and “who’s in/who’s out” start to matter.

• The Drama: "You can't come to my birthday party," or "If you play with him, I won’t be your friend."
• The Root: Kids are testing power dynamics and trying to figure out where they fit in the hierarchy.
• Support Strategy: The "Wait and See" approach. Most K–2 friendships are "situational." A sworn enemy on Tuesday is a best friend on Wednesday. Listen, validate, but don't call the other parent immediately.  "It sounds like it really hurt your feelings when Milo said you couldn't play tag. It’s okay to feel sad about that. Let’s see how things feel at recess tomorrow before we decide what to do."

3. Upper Elementary (Grades 4–6): The "Nuance and Exclusion" Phase

This is the "Golden Age" of social drama. Peer approval carries significant emotional weight. Friendships become more stable, but exclusion becomes more sophisticated (and painful). Social conflict may include rumors, loyalty issues, and digital communication. In this phase, children are moving from "Am I liked?" to "Am I better/worse than my peers?" This is when social comparison becomes a primary driver of behavior. Competition over grades, sports, or even who has the most "advanced" gadgets can create significant friction.

• The Drama: The "silent treatment," group chats (if they have devices), and "relational aggression" (using friendship as a weapon) or competition over grades to prove worth.
• The Root: Kids are developing cognitive empathy—they finally understand exactly how to hurt someone’s feelings. They are also seeking independence from parents.
• Support Strategy: Be Your Child’s Safe Place. Your child needs a place where they aren't judged. Ask open-ended questions like, "What do you think Jake was trying to achieve when he said that?" to help them build social intelligence. “It sounds like Ann is using a 'measuring stick' on everyone right now. That feels exhausting. When people feel the need to constantly rank others, it’s usually because they are worried about where they stand.”

Resilience Building Blocks

To help your child navigate these stages without crumbling, focus on these three pillars:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Julie Perlow, LICSW, is Kingsley's Director of Student Life. She supervises a team of Learning Specialists and provides support for students in Toddler through Sixth Grade. She can be reached at [email protected]. 

READ MORE: Steve Farley, Kingsley's Head of School, responds to the article.